My days are so long, but the years seem to get shorter and shorter as I get older. Sometimes I feel so rushed to get it right. Or to figure out what's right for me. Or to forget about right and just be. It depends on the day you ask me.
I do a lot of compartmentalizing. I can only process so much at a time, so I put things to the back of my mind until such time that I can face them. This is what I do when it comes to missing you.
My job is really draining me. I'm having a mid-career crisis. Did you ever feel like that? Did you ever feel like a sub par wife and mother? Did you feel unappreciated by Dad? I'm torn between my career, my role as mother and my responsibility to myself as a woman.
I honestly don't think much about my role as a wife or life partner. It's just not a priority right now. And it's complicated. I've compartmentalized it. I wish I could talk to you about that.
I often wonder what I'd be like if our relationship was different. If I'd had you there to comfort me and support me when I was lost and confused. If I'd had you there to explain things to me and teach me about self-love. Did anyone ever teach you about self-love? Would you have even listened. You were always very stubborn.
It's no wonder that you completely withdrew. No one can live up to the expectations of someone who doesn't love themselves and certainly no one could live up to yours. People disappoint, they misunderstand or they're indifferent about one thing or another. And often this hurts more than they ever know. You looked for love in different men, different religions, different rituals and beliefs. And it breaks my heart to think that perhaps you still haven't found it.
Who comforts you when you're scared? Is there any sanity left inside you? How do you spend your days? Are you just completely numb to life? These are the questions that swirl around deep in that separate place inside of me where I keep things. Do you think of me?
I look at my babies and can't fathom a time where I would become so distant from them that we wouldn't speak or see each other at all. How could I ever stay away? I could never give them up in favor of retreating within myself. No matter how tempting that retreat may seem at times.
I hope that you don't think I'm mad at you. I know that you can't help it, and if you could, you would.
I just wonder sometimes if you are mad, sad or indifferent at me. I just wonder.